The Cowboy Bride


All of the usual suspects were lined up behind the groom.
The smell of cheap tequila rose from their side of the room.
They looked like boneless chickens, plucked and feelin' none too good,
All the victims of the night before's farewell to bachelorhood.

The bride was making mental notes to have the best man flogged,
To double-check the ladies room that earlier had clogged,
Regretting that the rented tuxes weren't a better fit
And hoping that the photographs would not show up her zit.

The preacher opened up his Book and beamed a practiced smile,
"We are gathered here together . . . get that kid out of the aisle!
He's standing on your train and leaving chocolate finger marks!"
She turned and hissed, "Git off my dress or I'll feed you to the sharks!"

Just then her bridesmaid groaned and ran back toward the potted plants.
The bug-eyed preacher stopped and stared, then cast his eyes askance.
"It's morning sickness," said the bride, "She's probably gonna blow.
I've got it, too," she whispered, "So just get on with the show."

"The ring?" the preacher asked the groom. But he was in a trance.
The best man nudged him gently, then reached down in his pants,
"My pocket's got a hole in it! The ring's gone down my boot!"
"Well, get it out!" the bride replied, "I'm not too proud to shoot."

In stockin' foot the best man helped the groom present the ring.
The bridesmaid in her spotted dress stood by encouraging.
But when they went to place the ring upon the groom's left hand,
He keeled over backwards, knocking out the poor best man.

The new bride caught the preacher's eye . . . Impaled him with a glare,
"He does," she said, "And so do I." Her challenge filled the air.
"Then I pronounce you man and wife . . . Let nothing gang aglay.
I wish you all the very best . . . you may drag the groom away."

Some might thing this cowboy marriage was ordained an early death
But friends, if you had seen her . . . not as long as she drew breath.
She just threw him in the pickup, popped the clutch and waved good-bye
With the dog up front beside her, lookin' life right in the eye.

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